Nothing is not funn'able. Here we touch topics so sensitive that you may just go away hating me.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Famous Catfights I'd Like To See

There is little left in this world that excites me. I have already driven a car past a buck twenty five, jumped out of an airplane and slept with a hairy French chick while visiting London. I frequent the local bars out of boredom and often find myself yawning and leaving long before I can drink enough to vomit and be thrown out. The only thing I look forward to is for my nephew to stop eating the cats poop and to one day turn on Etv and see a clip of Angelina and Aniston wrapped in a tasmanian devil dust cloud, settling their feud breasto de breasto.
See my Fantasies Here

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Funnebone goes lampoony

I will be writing for The National Lampoons website. Help me pop my cherry by seeing my first post: the abc's of 34d's

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Death on Black Friday, Lawsuit on Green Wednesday

The family of the Walmart employee trampled by a raucous crowd in a Long
Island Walmart on Black Friday has filed a lawsuit. Jdimytai Damour was
hired as a temporary worker but it is unclear as to what his specific
position was or how exactly you pronounce his name. The suit names Walmart,
Green Acres Mall, a realty company and the security company all as
defendants and the family's lawyer plans to also add Nassau County and the
Nassau County Police and everyone who wears shoes sized 3 through 14 and a
half on Long Island.
The lawsuit was filed in the Bronx where the victims sister lives and where
the jury is more apt to give away a bizillion dollars. Apparently mourning
starts in Long Island just after the first lawyer picks up the phone.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Rosie Live was a bigger flop than Rosie Does the Tennis Coach

Rosie O'Donnells return to television last about as long as a chocolate
eclair would on her nightstand. In what was supposed to be a throwback to
the classic nineteen seventies variety show, Rosie live looked more like the
Jerry Lewis Telethon meets Americas Got Talent. At least with Jerry's kids we
can always look forward to a big donation rolling in or a kid falling out of
his wheelchair. The only potential for entertainment with Rosie Live was
hoping she would realize half way through the show that it was doomed and
she would grab her crotches or drop an angry F-bomb on prime time.

It is hard to fathom that the star studded cast wasn't able to draw more
viewers than 5.04 million. I would bet that there has to be at least a few
thousand Arthur fans around who would tune in to see Liza Minelli. I am not
sure if anyone not having their adult diaper changed knows her for anything
else. I find it distressing that the gay/lesbian/transexual/ClayAiken
community didn't rally around two of their poster children and hold watch
parties while crank calling Mormon churches.

Rosie needs understand that the current "Rosie" is not appealing to most
people. Rosie started off as a nice fat straight woman and we all are
related to one of them. She then became a nasty fat funny straight woman,
and we all have slept with one of them. Next she was just a fat mean
sexually ambiguous kind of funny woman, and we all have had a girlfriend who
was friends with one of those. By the time she joined The View she was just
a miserable butch and everyone hates them. The only predictable path Rosie
seems to take is that she gets fatter and less entertaining and her stem
cells should be harvested to create future dog groomers.

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