Nothing is not funn'able. Here we touch topics so sensitive that you may just go away hating me.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
With the game tied up a rain delay was called and shortly thereafter it was postponed until the next day, or maybe even the day after that. So everyone went home and held their breath and soaked asses, awaiting the weather report. I sat at home, where I seem to spend all of my time anymore, wondering how it will play out.
If you read my previous post you would know that on Saturday night the cable went out for a time during the game. So several thousand people and myself all initially figured they didn't pay there bill again but we soon realized that it was Comcast cable who was to blame. The next night it was the weathers fault that the Phillies had to wait to clinch their first championship in twenty eight years.
Now there are thousands of people who can't go to tonights game, thousands who will go and just as many who want to go. Three innings, that is all that is left. People are shelling out hundreds of dollars to see an hour of baseball. Granted it is the World Series but it may come out to $5 a minute to watch baseball, that is more than phone sex or a call to Ms. Cleo.
If they win everyone will cheer and high five and then pour out of the stadium and a sea of red will flood the surrounding area, the area which if you don't drive to is free.
I once bought a $7 bottle of vintage wine that I thought was worth much much more. I saved it at a friends upscale restaurant waiting for the perfect girl to share it with. Well long story short When we opened it we smelled vinegar and therefore I had to order another bottle of wine as to not look like not only a jackass but a cheap one at that. I ended up putting out $400 that night and my date put out too, but not $400 worth. In fact I can't think of any vagina that is worth $400 any more than I could justify $500 for three innings of baseball. I can sit home, watch it on TV and then masturbate, all for the $69.95 I pay for cable. Then I'll go dancing in the streets with all of the "hardcore fans"
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tonight I prepared my celebratory feast: a taco bell combo # 4 and a gallon of dollar store iced tea. You may ask why I didn't have a Philly cheese steak or a pretzel and frankly, we get tired of eating that stuff so I went cheap.
The game starts out with the Phils up by one, then tied, then up by one again, then I have to take a potty break because combo # 4 became quickly forces one to have to go number 2. So when I return I find my screen frozen with an image of Pat Burrell wiping sweat off his forehead. I waited patiently for him to move, or for one of the 40k fans to make a noise but nothing happened. I thought to myself, Hmmmm comcast cable really can't be screwing up the world series in which the Phillies are playing And comcast calls Philadelphia its home, can they?
Well they can and they did. Comcast cable subscribers missed about three innings of the world series , the same innings where Ryan Howard and Chase Uttley hit home runs. After texting whoever I could to complain I turned to the craigslist rant and rave section. Besides being a bastion of racial slurs, political lunacy and pictures of genitals, cl rant and rave is a great place to complain with other home bound losers in real time and it provided me with an outlet to voice my rage against comcast cable.
I was delighted to find others who were victims of this comcast meltdown. The Verizon fios people were bragging about their clear picture and lower bills while the rest of us were watching a frozen screen and looking at the sex ads, waiting for either the game to come back on or a reply from the transsexual we just emailed. Just when I was about to lose hope that I would see the game or sleep with a ladyboy, the game came back on but the sound took another minute or so.
The Phillies won the game at 2 am and I suppose this will shield Comcast cable from much of the ire of their subscribers. Had the fighting Phils not pulled it out, all blame would have been on comcast and in this city, you don;t want in any way to be associated with a loss. Just ask the losing pitcher of the 1993 world series Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams. He stayed in hiding longer than the guy who the movie Goodfellas was based on.
I am no fan of any utility company but in this case I hope people dump Comcast for Verizon because the cable monopoly is known to screw everyone around here at any given chance and after tonight's debacle, it's time to pay the piper.
See more at Funnebone.com
I started the counter at #913, it's like virginity all over again.
9-13 is my birthday and I figure why not start the counter there and at least look like someone has visited the site. I await the first visitor as if it was my first lover. Starting with a fake number may seem dishonest, but what can it hurt? When I finally lost my virginity I lied then too. She asked me how many women I had been with and quickly answered " fivineteen" . I couldn't say I was a virgin since I just spent the last three hours telling her about how I graduated high school and spent a year at NASA space camp but was kicked out for asthma. Why kill my fresh cool guy image. I don't think it would have mattered what I told her, she was drunk, horny and had just gotten out of her third divorce. It is funny how women drop their guard when they are #120 overweight and balding. She just smiled, looked out the car window and hacked up what sounded to be a beanbag chair and patted me on the knee.
I often think back to that night every march 12th and although I don't remember much after I passed out from inhaling pubic hairballs I do remember the anticipation of losing my virginity. As I sit here looking at my counter, I have similar questions in my head; will I feel different, will people see me different and did I wash my asscrack today. Come on lucky 914!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
When was the determination made that deemed the more words you use to describe someone the better off they seem? What was it about retarded that made it seem any more demeaning than special needs? In fact I think retarded is much more specific than special needs because the latter could mean they need insulin, a trained dog, an underwire bra or even blocks on the pedals. At least with retarded you have an idea of how to prepare for the bus trip. ___________________________________________
Now with Sara Palin running for vice president, special needs is going to be used to describe every kid born in the last ten years. Every kid has special needs. Some need to stop eating, some need to get braces while others need to their asses beat every morning before breakfast.______________________________________________________________
As I absorbed my friends comment I realized she was right. This man had special needs, much like I do. I stood up and cast aside my envy and strode right up to the dancing circle and put on my best moves. I wiggled between two girls and danced like the devil. I figured by showing them that I knew how to have fun and that I embraced people for who they are that they would welcome into the group. Everyone was laughing and jumping and asking me my name. Suddenly the man who made me see my insecurities turned and admired my moves. He looked up at me and put out his hand and as my large palm covered his tiny hand he leaned into me and said " you dance like a retard, now fuck off and find your own women". He then turned, wiggled his ass and led the girls away in a dancing train leaving me speechless and alone. ______________________